"what of us makes us who we are"

I don't know if this is okay, but I read this post on facebook from Erin McDermott... Thought I would pass it along to my friends on the Ride:Well site. I thought it was a well written and thoughtful piece.

this is a line from sara groves again. from her song "rewrite this tragedy". I dont know exactly what she is talking about if there is a specific story behind the song or not but some of the lyrics have really been resonating with me recently. she says, "sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill; what of us makes us who we are...all that we love the most, all that we must let go of, how much of change can we survive?"

another song of hers that has hit me recently is "loving a person". there is a lyric that says, "there's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying; it's a vunerable place to be; love and pride can't occupy the same spaces, and only one sets you free". then she says, "loving a person just the way they are aint no small thing, its the whole thing".

i have just been thinking of what it really means to come to the end of ourselves, honestly, so that it's no longer about us, but only about God. how do we get to that point where we seriously let go? of course it is a process, and sometimes that process can be accelerrated, and sometimes it can be stagnant. for me, right now, it is in acceleration mode for sure. it has been since february 28, 2008 when i applied for something i had no idea would change the course of my life, the Ride:Well Bike Tour. I realized again today that I would not be in nashville right now had i not applied for the tour. i would not be learning what i am had i not gone on the tour. so much of what is happening now revolves around that decision i made on Feb 28 on an impulse, never realizing what it would come to after.

i went to arizona last week, and i got back last sunday night. i can tell you since monday morning a week ago i have grown so much. everything i have been reading, everyone i have been talking to, every churh sermon, every song, even some blogs i have read, oswald chambers super old devotional even...all of these things keep hitting the same topic of trusting God. oh yeah, sure, trust God; we hear that all the time in the church; we say it all the time as Christ followers... recently i have been thinking about what it means, and how that translates into life, to actually do it. to actually, actively say, okay God, You are bigger than i can even imagine, and the ways that you have shown Yourself in this world, and more specifically in my life are evidence of Your presence, Your provision, Your faithfulness, Your love, Your grace, and I know that You have a plan, You are in control, I cannot figure anything out without You..nothing else really works. it could seem to work, but it really does not bring me to a place where "You become greater and greater, and I become less and less" (John 3:30) Only You can take me to that place. This lesson has lead me to more realizations of who I am in relation to Christ. Who He has created me to be, and how i am not anyone else.

Brianne Olson once said this, "be who you are and not who youre not" as simple as that. i remember crying when she said that. I am Erin McDermott. I believe in a God who is personal and active in this world. Who has sent His Son to die in the place of all the world's sin; past, present, future. I believe that if He did not exist, and if He was not Love, then I would not believe in Him. He has gifted me with so many passions. He has placed me in such amazing situations; allowed me to be a part of incredible movements, incredible stories, and friends with incredible people. He has a plan for me. He is bigger than my own plans, and my own agenda. He is more powerful than money. He has more strength than i ever will. He is constant; in control; always present. He provides peace even in uncertainty, hope even when there seems to be none; joy when happiness is not possible.

All i am trying to say is that I am coming to a place where my flesh and my spirit continue to war with reaching the end of myself; with being selfish vs being selfless; with letting go of any kind of worldly agenda i may have; with comparing my story to other peoples/jealousy; with knowing what is next; with having money; with being content.

in sara groves' song "something changed" she says, "something changed inside me, broke wide open all poured out, til i had no doubt that something changed. every word i believed in til i felt it in my own heart, in the deepest part, the healing came...and i cannot make it, and i cannot fake it, and i cant afford it, but it's mine"

it's not about knowing, or having a plan. it's not about figuring it out or feeling secure. it's not about having stuff, or earning money. it's not about just getting through the day. it's not about me, or what i want. i am not entitled to anything. i have been given freedom in Christ. He has freed me from the bondage of sin and of feeling like i have to do something to earn the right to freedom. He paid the price with His own blood.

Hebrews 4:14 "Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast to our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need".

C.S. Lewis says on page 2 of "The Weight of Glory", "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea. We are far too easily pleased".

Luke 17:21 hit me the other day too. it says, "the Kingdom of God is within you". God's Kingdom is present in the here and now. We are His workmanship. He has placed eternity in our hearts. He has given us the ministry of reconciliation. He has created us each with specific unique giftings, and if we all use them together we grow as a Body; the Church (the global Body of Christ). this is the way life was created to be lived. in community. each contributing who they are to the story God has written.

"i wanna add to the beauty...i want to shine with the light that's burning up inside..." sara groves.