the process of processing..

sounds redudant. i agree. but, it is right to say that it is a process. processing. i feel it happening in stages.

stage one. realization that you are really doing this thing (whatever you will need to process) or that it is going to happen to you.

stage two. whatever goes through your mind while it's happening (processing during the process). this stage is tricky because you usually cant get your mind around it. you have to focus on being in the moment, even when it is hard. not wishing any of it away, and processing it while not missing a beat. almost impossible. writing helps during this time. especially for me. because i go back and read it, and i dont even remember writing what i did. my own writing teaches me things. that's how i know it's probably not from me/isn't. God speaks to us through all of the stages of processing. in different ways. each stage usually produces more growth. or more refined realizations. stage two begins that refinement. when we are stretched. thin. there is no room for us. and the moment is easier to process. but, then more things happen...

stage three. overwhelmed by the idea of processing. now youre at a point where there is too much to process. it doesn't fit in your brain anymore. usually this happens at the end. like with ride:well. at the end you are in some state of shock. thinking something like, "wait, i have memories of this happening, but now that i am home it kinda seems like it didn't happen...so, what just happened?". you guys probably know what im talking about. this is the overwhelmed stage. i want to process everything, but, i cant. it is all jumbled. you need time to take a deep breath, look at pictures, and convince yourself that that is really you with your friends, riding your bike a great distance..day after day after day. until it ended ubruptly.

stage four. talking about it to people who have never experienced it. usually this helps as long as the people let you talk even though they sometimes cant follow. things you think are funny are not understood by the people who werent there, but usually they can laugh anyway because they know you need them to. you might do a presentation at your church or at an event and everything will seem real again. it will all come back. and you will be excited. probably mass text your team at this time. or write them an email as you remember a joke y'all had, or you just want to tell them how much you love and miss them because you are overwhelmed by the idea that they are a part of your life. and you learned so much from them. this, for me, is also the writing stage. the praying stage. the stopping stage. where i look back to it all and see the big picture. i pick the main themes. i remember the laughter and the times where we spent entire evenings making up dances and video taping them, or playing baulderdash while some of our teammates are sleeping, and laughing so hard we wake them up (shout out to 08!).

stage five. realization that it ended but it is always a part of you. who you are is made up of experiences. and this one is a big part of that make up. for some it changes your make up entirely. i know it did for me after 2008.