love came back.

Im having a hard time coming up with words. Too many things have happened since last November. Too many things to process. Too many transitions. I feel like life is happening and I cant keep up. And now im on this bike tour. And it’s going incredibly well. The people on this team are amazing. Like the kind of people I wish everyone had the chance to know. To see them ride everyday over mountains, through headwinds, and down windy roads with their bikes fully loaded is incredible. I look at them and think of myself on my first tour… nothing on my bike, crying, riding up a total of 3 mountains the whole tour… and im just inspired by their passion to keep going (then take breaks). They don’t give up. Ever. They don’t complain. (rarely). They adapt. They keep laughing. They have joy. They teach me to have joy. And they brought back the love in my heart.

I don’t know what happened, but I started having really selfish thoughts. I started reverting back to before. And I stopped loving people well. Something was off. And I couldn’t get it back. I think we all go through funks like that. Where nothing matches up like it used to. Or we can’t be the us we long to be. It’s like swimming upstream. You keep swimming, and then you just get too tired. Yesterday I got too tired. I don’t even like swimming. And I think the thing about God is He allows you to be yourself in Him. To walk and not grow weary. To love with all you are. To stop trying. To let go.

I have insecurities that deter me from some things. I fear what people think of me. I fear I am failing. I don’t think this is what Christ intended. I think He intended freedom from these fears. From all fears. I think He intended for us to enjoy Him. To live life fully. To breathe in deeply, and to “suck all the marrow out of life” (dead poets society).

I’ve been thinking a lot about seizing the day. About not knowing anything about my future, but enjoying the moment. And knowing that whatever the future is..it’s taken care of. And I need not worry. And about how God is faithful. Always here. Always providing. Always loving. Always inviting.

I’m still dealing with a lot. But, I am noticing how this tour is healing. I think a common theme of the ride:well tour for people is refinement. All of who you are…the things you don’t want people to see, and the things that you do…they are all out in the open. And you cant hide them anymore. Your walls fall down. And you experience refinement. And it’s real. And it changes you. And it helps you “be who you are, and not who youre not” (brianne olson). And that’s what I want. No matter how hard it is.

I think I am discovering my soul. Even more deeply than last time. I think this time is necessary. Every tear. Every laugh. Every joy. Every mile on the bike. I know I will miss this time when it is over. And im glad the love came back. So I can be myself. And love my team. And remember marsabit, Kenya. And be refined.