i feel like riding your bike across america is easier than being back from riding your bike across america...at least in retrospect.

being back is still hard. will it ever get easy? for me, im not sure it will. but will it be okay. yes, i know it will. live in the tension. that's what a few wise friends of mine have been telling me. but my question is, what does that look like? how does it flesh out?

what i can do is remember. remember moments, days, a week, a state, a person i met along the way, the way i felt on century days, the way i felt when i got in the van instead of riding, the way i felt when i rode for 2 weeks straight without the van, and especially the way i felt before the tour. before the tour, i felt a lot like i do now; completely unsure of how things would turn out or why they were going this way. i mean, even looking as far back as february; when i turned 22. i had no idea that i would be riding my bike across america this year; absolutely no idea at all. and i was on a team to take students to germany, but the bike ride came along and without thinking i applied, and ive said a thousand times that i know i was supposed to go for countless reasons that i cant even articulate yet.

that's what i have to keep reminding myself. how does living in the tension look? well i think it looks something like what im doing. remembering that God is sovereign. He knows what i will choose to do after college, what opportunities that i havent even considered might present themselves to me, who i will marry, when that will be, where i will live, how i will pay back my very large debt amount, if ill ever get my bike back. He knows those things, and i dont. it's just like that post i wrote a while back when we were in arkansas about the hills, and easy days, and how we couldnt ever bank on an easy day because even if the mileage was short the terrain could be hard, or things could break on our bikes. all we could know is what we could see, everything else we were entrusting to God. and even though now doing that seems easier to me, it's just because im far removed from the reality of how that felt, and i know very well the reality of how i fell now looking into my very near future.

graduation is in 4 months. i want to intern with blood:water mission. i want to live with mindy and criselda. i want to get out of southern california. i want to find community similar to what we had on the tour. i miss everyone everyday. i miss everything about the tour. i even miss riding so much. but i dont want to start planning my life when i know i cant see the whole picture; when i know that there could be something i dont know i need to consider. i want to be a servant of God. i want to be His disciple, and i know that requires sacrifice, not for salvation, but just because of my love for God which then outflows into His people. i love His people, and i feel like im also living in the tension of how do i love and be loved. i must love more, because my love for God must be greater than my love for myself. but where does that start and end? i give until i have nothing left of me at all. but i also need. and i know that God is all i need, but that is hard to make a reality in your mind and heart when you are human and you desire tangible love; that you can grasp, and feel.

i dont know, i just have a lot on my mind all the time. it makes me so tired that i sleep harder than i ever have. i completely zonk out and wake up feeling like it's been 5 minutes every night. it's crazy.

and the thing is life is life. like, im learning a ton and growing, and loving being at school with my friends for one last semester, and they are amazing. but then i get alone, and i say, "God, i know You're in control, but i feel alone, and lost, and confused, and uncertain, and like im holding back. but i dont want to hold back, but i dont want to let go because then what do i do?".

that's the story for now. thanks for reading. there is more to say, but it's, again, hard to articulate the incoherency that is my brain. i miss my team. i miss the ride. and i know that God will continue to guide me in the way, and i will follow. who knows where that will bring me this time?